interesting…I ain’t mad at her. Like you pointed out, I say like Chris Rock said when OJ made a fool of himself, “I understand.”

God knows I do. I’m probably the pathetic deprived Christian chic in her head as she was writing. No, I’m on her powerpoint presentation as she turns this into a book and presents on Book TV. No No….I’m the illustration she gives on the couch at the Monique, Wendy Williams, or Oprah show.

Oh, I understand the struggle. I’m coming up on 15 years of celibacy.

Although, what she doesn’t understand is that although she may be right about some Christian women’s motivation for “holding out” in the name of God, she is wrong about why a sister like me is so motivated.

I would like to testify that my celibacy is NOT about me holding out for God to give or do something for me. It is NOT so I can impress others with what appears to be spiritual strength and fortitude. My celibacy is simple–a love offering to God.

It’s about me realizing my value and worth–tangibly valuing my body. I’ve made myself an offering to God because I’m persuaded He is real and worthy of this type offering. Although, my surrender/devotion to God is undisputable in this area of my life, I’d be remissed if while bragging on God keeping me here, I didn’t point out that there are other areas where I’m not so surrendered and quite a contradiction. :)

That disclaimer on the table, one of many reasons I’m so motivated in my celibacy is there is much imperical evidence that I did NOT think myself up and position me into existence. Therefore, I’m persuaded that I’m made for someone. That is I’m made for something more than this world, alone, offers me in its pleasure.

This Christian woman is different from the crop this author runs with. And I have 14 years of evidence and a cloud of witnesses who testify that at least in this area–I’m walking what I’m talking, by His grace.

So what am I missing by not having sex outside of marriage?
1)those nagging fears of contracting STDs–visiting clinic for AIDS test every 3-6 months. Saving the emotional and financial cost of such behavior.
2)freedom from the emotional trauma of the “temporary” intimacies that come with having only a sexual and uncommitted relationship with someone
3)receiving the fall out of the spiritual energies (e.g. demons, idols, attitudes,) of people I’d be randomly sexing
4)freedom from the heartbreak and drama that is likely to occur as a result of falling for someone who is only interested in a temporary intimacy with me–sex and friendship but nothing more.

I’d love to be having sex with someone who adored me and thought I was irresistable….but I have too much respect and fear of God and love for myself to take that kind of foolish risk with my body.

So I rather, do what I’ve been doing for 14 years. Waiting….and trusting God rather than being moved by the haughty words of man–who has proven their folly and stupidity through out the ages–via their choices. These 14 years have NEVER been a DUTY for me (easy NO–temptationless–NO) but a pure love offering. God has incredibibly hidden and kept me from being overtaken by temptation.

I leave with a quote I heard today in the context of education and the rewards of persevering to study and work hard….I think it can be flipped a bit to apply in the context of not unleashing your inner sexy before it is time. The quote said:

“Nothing is FUN until you are good at it.”

Well, in this case, I suspect that

“How do you know what’s worth waiting for until you’ve waited?”

Wisdom trumps foolishness. God supplies all my needs–even when I don’t know what I need (Phil 4:19). So ya girl is trying to be in retirement from foolishness.

Playing it Safe in Christ,

Tish

Honestly, I’m not mad at her. I’ve been where she is. I’ve been a believer for 16 years and it’s been an ongoing struggle to practice abstinence. I prayed, I fasted, I starved myself of all secular influences, I even begged God to take the desires away, to no avail. I still found myself involved in sexual activity. I would ask God for forgiveness time and time again, but the guilt was heartbreaking. After failing so many times I started thinking maybe the church had it wrong. I went down the road that the author went and just gave in to the desires. While I eventually turned back around and realized that I was just trying to find excuses to justify my behavior, I still think this is an issue that we as a church body need to look at more closely.

I mean, how DO we reconcile the fact that people in the Bible were married at a very young age? And how do we reconcile that for people who are over 30 and still single? I see many women in my age group struggling with this question. And yes, the Bible does say certain things about celibacy and adultery, but oftentimes what comes from the pulpit is a different message. I agree with the author that messages about celibacy and abstinence are usually geared toward young women, not young men.

I know that no one on here will probably agree with much of anything the author has to say, but we need to start having conversations just like this with women in the church. The amount of single, Christian girlfriends I have who end up pregnant and then stop going to church altogether tells me this. I can say from my own experience it’s no good having to wrestle with an issue like this alone because you’re afraid of being judged or ridiculed by other believers. And not feeling like you can talk openly about the problems and frustrations becomes a problem in and of itself. Healthy conversation breeds understanding.

Thanks for posting, June!

Tisha: My post wasn’t directed at you or anyone else. Just sharing my experience that that was a very sad time for me in my walk with Christ because I felt that I would be judged. You bring up a great point about the faith/unbelief, and ultimately that’s what turned me back around, actually. I finally realized, at the root of it all, that I simply did not have a belief that I was someone worth waiting for. And I did not have a belief that God would send someone who was willing to wait or willing to encourage me to wait. I started meeting married women whose HUSBANDS were the ones to say “NO. We are going to wait until we’re married” while they were dating. When I heard those stories I said to myself “I want that kind of love. And I’m willing to wait for that.”

That’s so great that you guys found a ministry that openly discusses. I’m glad someone is having the conversations. We need one for singles. I’m not married and this issue is becoming sort of a sore spot with me because of my experiences and seeing my fellow sisters in Christ go down a different path because no one will talk. I feel like in some churches it’s become the elephant in the room.

It is a difficult subject to broach, and yes, we don’t want anyone to stumble but at the same time we don’t want anyone to stumble by not telling our story either. It’s a fine line that I can’t say I have the answers on how to solve. I made a film a couple years ago attempting to address this issue and spark conversation (http://web.me.com/aspeaks/Site/DM.html), but outside of that, this is really my first time publicly acknowledging my own struggles, and it took me a long time to click send–lol–but I’m glad I did because we need the dialogue.

But it is amazing how silent we remain on the real issues in the church…

Thanks so much for your response and God bless!

Oh I forgot the most important thing I actually wanted to say about the article. The real problem is the attitude of Sarai. Sarai encouraged Abram to do what was necessary to produce the life that God promised them. But I don’t think she thought of that alone. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, satan offered Jesus things he needed – food and his purpose in life – to take back the kingdoms of the world – ALL without the suffering. Then he tempted Jesus by first taking him to a high place (building up the challenge) and saying if you are who you say you are/ the Christ (question of identity, position, and relationship w/ God and his Holy Spirit) throw yourself off this cliff BECAUSE SCRIPTURE SAYS, God will order his angels to take charge over thee. — I think this is the biggest problem/ temptation… You’re a Christian, you walk with God… let’s cause you to question who are in, your purpose, what God promised, how God wants to work in you… let’s build the problem up but denying you something for a long time — Don’t you want to jump? If you confess your sins he’s faithful and just to forgive you? Remember you’re saved by grace. You’re free in Christ right?

*SIIIIIIIGH* Then there’s Jesus’ reply. Thou shalt not put the Lord thy God to the test. Why that one Jesus?

So then we have to develop these things dichotomy that no one else in the world has seen – hoping, trusting, believing, having faith, wanting, desiring, denying what’s permissible but not beneficial… all while waiting, being patient, going through long suffering.

I’ll be honest. I feel a little hoodwinked. I was told about waiting for Jesus to come back and I get that. Generations before us waiting on Christ with expectancy. I still do and I still believe. But I wasn’t told about waiting on a husband or anything else. And like I said, a lot of times it can feel like the Christian life is saying no to everything while waiting on something no one has ever seen before — OR in this case, we know there are such thing as Christian men, but who’s to say that God’s going to give you a husband? And the reality is you don’t know one way or the other. You just know how you’re supposed to live. You also know that in the meantime you’re not fulfilling the other reason why your were created as a woman.

I don’t know that I’ve come to peace with God on the fact there are women who love him and serve him and live their lives for him… and they’re closing in on menopause. They are dealing with the fact that they won’t ever give birth in the natural. But at least they have spiritual kids, what every woman dreams of. I don’t know he lets women hurt like this… a whole generation of Leah’s – unwanted women. But God is more than enough right? As is the unmarried woman is more spiritual, righteous and holy than the married woman because she is 100% satisfied with God and not distracted by or feel the need for anything from a man??? lol sounds like Christian feminism as taught by a nun. I don’t know. I don’t understand – why did certain women have to be raped in the Bible w/ no restoration? Why did women have to go through what Leah went through or Judah’s daughter-in-law, or Dinah, or any number of women in the Bible? There’s no spiritual answer for that makes it ok, It’s just what happened. As for what’s happening. I don’t know why women are going through prolonged singleness… heck, a lot of the bags we have to shed before we get married wouldn’t have existed if we were married at 18. I wonder if men believe that they are still single because God is working on them? I admit I have things God is working on, but thanks be to God my Father who loves me, I have friends who helped me see 1-God loves me and 2-I’m not as messed as I thought I was. I really thought I was single because I wasn’t holy enough or good enough for one of God’s sons or because I was too messed up to be in a marriage or something. But looking at ALL the married couples I know – no matter what you fix about yourself, you still have to work and adjust and compromise and grow and learn and give and let go ANYWAY. So, now… I just believe that I’m single because I’m unique w/ a unique purpose and so I can’t just be w/ anyone. As I move toward my purpose at God’s pace, I won’t miss him, my future husband.

For now I’m OK with that. Again though, I don’t know I don’t know if I have enough in me to overcome “hope deferred” at the age of 50. I’m not ok with thinking God doesn’t love me or care about me. I don’t want to take things into my own hands. It’s funny, Leah spent her who whole life unloved and kept having babies trying to get the love of her husband, but never did. Eventually she had to come to terms with it. Again, I have no answers for this situation though – we live in a fallen world.

Great response, June! I read the original article first before I read your response. Here is the response I posted on the Crunk site:

_________________________
Wow! Just…wow!

First, I think you are a gifted writer. Yet, as a fellow sister in Christ and born-again believer, what you write about in this post grieves me to no end.

Your bottom line seems to be that you are free to fornicate. This is a LIE. While you have the ability and freedom of will to choose to do that, to believe and promote the notion (whether privately or publicly) that celibacy is something that is archaic and oppressive and designed to control women is just plain wrong and poisonous to the Body of Christ. God designed sex to be within the confines of a marital union, partly as an expression of His intimacy with His Body, the Church (born-again believers). There are other reasons that He designed the sexual union as well (pleasure in the marriage relationship, procreation in the marriage relationship).

I have been a born-again Christian for 16 years, having been saved at age 23. I did not marry until I was 35. This means I had several long years of singleness, trying to remain sexually pure (i.e. celibate). I failed at this significantly for various reasons–all of which were based in my refusal to deny myself in a particular moment. While my desire for love and connection were good and God-given, my response to that and my attempt to meet my needs on my own terms (playing “god”, much like Adam and Eve in the garden), I faced the consequences of that. One of those consequences was guilt.

Yes, I felt guilt like you used to as well. You allude to your source of guilt being the “conservative Christian” belief that sex outside of marriage is wrong. That “conservative” belief is based on the Bible, which says that it IS wrong (i.e. sin). The guilt is, at a basic level, from the Holy Spirit. Part of His ministry is to convict us of sin (John 16:8). Therefore, in choosing to do what you want to do “unapologetically”, you are making a choice–perhaps in an effort to rid yourself of this guilt–to ignore this conviction and helping others to justify their choices to sin as well.

If you were someone who does NOT say they a born-again believer, this could just be another article with which I disagree. However, you ARE a believer and, sister to sister in the faith, I must speak the truth. You are promoting things that are contrary to what the Bible teaches, thus bringing reproach to the God who wrote the Bible. My sister, this should not be so.

While I understand what you are saying–and can identify with much of how you’ve felt/thought–I can unequivocally and unapologetically respond in this manner. It is a LIE. Fornication is sin. Giving into fornication will NOT bring you a husband or an ultimately satisfying union–regardless of what you believe currently.

The reality is that some of us will NEVER be married, which is unfortunate. However, this does not entitle us to fornicate because it is too difficult to deny ourselves. Christ denied Himself when He came in the flesh. That is what the Christian life is about–BY THE POWER OF GOD’S SPIRIT within those of us who are believers, denying the lusts of our flesh for the sake of righteousness. Is that ridiculously difficult and seemingly unattainable? Yup! But that’s exactly why He sent the Holy Spirit…to help us live this life (and that we do by faith). Yes, our sins are covered under the Blood of Christ, but that doesn’t mean we just tap-dance on grace and live like we want.

Trust me, I’m NOT coming at you as if I’ve arrived or something. I definitely hear you. I’m married now and enjoying the full expression of my sexuality with my husband, but those single years were difficult at times in regard to trying to remain pure. Many times I failed miserably. I even tried to do what you’re doing, which lasted for only a few months. I thank God for the conviction that drew me back to Him whole-heartedly.

Read the Word and believe it, sis. For real. Please stop promoting this lie because it is anti-Christian, anti-biblical, and anti-God.

Matthew 16:24 AMP – “Then Jesus said to His disciples, If anyone desires to be My disciple, let him deny himself [disregard, lose sight of, and forget himself and his own interests] and take up his cross and follow Me [cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying, also].”

Thanks for weighing in, June! I’d be interested in contributing an article. And I’d love to hear other stories as well. This could be a really good resource!

@ Avril:

No, sweetheart, I didn’t think your comments were directed at me…its just that I often feel the need to give the disclaimers (since I do write forward like I often speak) when I’m speaking to people I don’t know. Plus, I was making a pretty cocky boast about my being kept in celibacy for so long—and being in “self-righteousness rehab” :), I always have my antennas up when I’m addressing Christians to cover my bases for those who may have their humility measures out. LOL! Dat’s what we self-righteous folk do….ya know. We always gauging folk’s humility and what not. LOL! Well that’s what I tend to do…so forgive me. (I’m tongue n cheek here).

But honestly though, I realize simply it can be easy to “miss” the heart of what was being said and assume I’m proporting in those comments to being that “super Christian” sister who has reached Nirvana in Jesus. One who never has a story to share of her current struggle. Or like the sister said here–like that Joseph, the favored one; whose walk makes them feel condemned (dat’s tragic for any believer to feel this way about another believer but another post).

One thing I’ve learned over these years walking with the Lord and feeling like “Leah” the unwanted one (in romances, in friendships, and even in family relationships (I’m 38)) is although I have heavy burdens, I just don’t put them on display. I’ve learned to commune with God IN MY hurt and disappointments. It’s taken a while but it’s such a reward and my affections grow for HIm and consequently why celibacy is the only option and has not been such “the burden”

Unless you live with me or have lived with me before, I rarely share the fear, perplexity, frustration, and sometimes the painful of loneliness I sometimes feel.

The times I’ve cried or feel my heart sink with fear during my cycle watching another wasted egg go down the drain using the toilet. Thinking…wow…wonder if I have any good ones left should marriage be on God’s menu for me. LOL! Hate to be so graphic. But that TMI is for anyone who would want to lower the standard Christ has raised us to in Himself and strum the “nobody’s perfect” “and let me just give in to the struggle” guitar.

The past few years I’ve struggled through (emphasis on through) paralyzing anger with God that halted my prayer life for over a year. Not about singleness but about sending me on what felt like a wild goose chase relationally.

I’m still not at the place of prayer I use to be. So what’s going on? How you still maintaining? Why you still speak so Highly of God. Somebody is keeping me? It’s all of God and none of me. And really sisters, I think I figured out what’s happening to me. I’M DYING. Dying to self and I’m mourning. I’m mourning all my ideas, thoughts, desires, hopes, dreams. They’ve been put in the fire and I’m watching them burn. Waiting to see if anything remains for Him the strengthen. So those of you feeling some kinda way. Unexplainable sadness that assaults your joy and peace off and on during the month….may be a physical symptom of spiritual death that’s taken place inside of you. My advice–don’t fight it. Let it lead you to inquire in His temple. And befriend Him. It is such strange, sometimes painful (as the mourning turns to mourning sin), yet delightful place.

I could go on….

What Cherry and Mary Jane said—further codifies my heart and mind. Again I was focused on bragging on God’s keeping of me. This being kept is something that is happening to me and I’m just in it. It feels surreal. I feel like dat foot prints poem. I’m being carried. I’m riding shotgun. Have no earthly idea–where I’m going. Like Rihanna instead of shut up and drive. I’m on some shut up and ride.

All I know I have not time to cry that no one has had His eyes to see me. I have to live. I have to glorify Him and God is most glorified in me when I’m most satisfied in Him. So this is my business as a single woman, married women, attractive women, unattractive women, rich girl, poor girl, fly girl, fashionable girl….girly girl…..you follow me. Jesus is NOT my consolation prize because some mere mortal hasn’t had eyes to see me.

I hope these words has cast a vision of Christ that compels you to to see if what I”ve asserted here is customizable for you!

Wow, looks like I have some catching up to do with the comments posted on this page from today.

Just letting everyone know that I just responded to crunkashell’s latest response to her article on the Crunk website. (Tisha, I borrowed your “sin-sanity” word that you taught me!)

Here’s what I said:
—————————————

I have a lot of personal issues and pet peeves with many of today’s churches and one of them is something you’ve mentioned… that important topics like this are not more openly discussed, especially when so many saints are struggling with these topics.

I guess one thought that immediately jumps into my head after reading your most recent response is that Paul said it is better to marry than to burn. It would seem like he would have said something a little different, like, it is better to have extramarital sex than to burn, if it was indeed something permissible in God’s eyes. Just a thought.

Your article provokes discussion and critical thought, which I think is good. But it’s still very shocking to hear someone professing to have a close personal relationship with the Lord make this type of stance or decision when the Bible says so clearly to flee sexual immorality, so you gotta understand the passion in people’s responses to your article. You see, for most Christians, including myself, it’s an oxymoron and it’s extremely difficult to reconcile those two things (i.e., a Christian… who engages in guilt-free extra-marital sex), especially when there is so much proven wisdom in waiting until marriage for sex with an exclusive partner.

In fact, a lot of Christian women have testimonies who made the same decision you have and they inevitably re-decided that their heavenly “Father knows best” and then chose (again) to wait before forming any further soul ties. What made them change their minds or their heats about the matter? I believe it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit, what you might be calling “guilt.” You see, these women struggled to be celibate, but they struggled MORE to just have sex freely because a Christian isn’t happy when sinning. Christians are not sinless, we just sin less, but it doesn’t mean we are happy to be doing it. But of course your argument is that extramarital sex is not a sin.

In general, I think your perspective doesn’t differ from the world’s perspective on this topic. I see no distinction. That’s my personal opinion to which I’m entitled, but as another sista pointed out, what is utmost in this discussion is God’s perspective. And His Word is pretty clear on sexual immorality, no matter how you exegete it, slice or dice it. It is my experience and belief that Christians sometimes go through a period of sin-sanity (insanity), somewhat like a mid-life crisis. At least, I’ve witnessed that happen to someone very close to me who experienced a season like this for 1-2 years. People questioned this person’s salvation as the person engaged in extramarital sex, unapologetically (to use your word). This person was “resolved” to not abide by any rules whatsoever, no matter how Christians prayed, encouraged, and even engaged in interventions. But two years later, the person deeply repented and is in a right frame of mind again and has ceased having extramarital sex.

Even though I take exception with your conclusion and resolve to have unapologetic extramarital sex, I appreciate the discussions your article has sparked. As earlier stated, I think this topic is an important one to have in the church, and with all of today’s technology, blogs make it possible to conduct some of these forums of open, honest discussion. So thanks for such a well-written candid authentic exposition. (You really have a talent and gift with writing.)

And since you are writing anonymously I hope you don’t mind answering a few personal questions for me when you have a chance. I’m more curious than anything and partly playing devil’s advocate.

Does your sexin’ happen with an exclusive partner, or do you have casual sex with different people?

Are your sexual partners also saved?

Do you desire to be married someday?

Lastly, do you believe extramarital sex is okay for married people, the same way that you believe it is okay for single people?

What about a case where the husband becomes chronically impotent, should the wife be permitted to get to sexin’ with other men to fulfill her desires? Would she have God’s approval to do this?

Again, June, thanks for writing this response. And, thanks to you ladies for all you offer to the discussion. I wish I could invest more time in responding, but here is are my latest thoughts before I rush off to the next thing. :-)

Apparently, the sister who wrote the original article has a totally different interpretation of Scripture as it relates to sexual immorality. She has responded to another post on the site stating that that we need to view sex outside of marriage outside of the context of sin. She says that the Bible does not speak of pre-marital sex in the context of sexual immorality. (I’m not quoting her but this is some of the gist of her point about sexual immorality that you can see on her site.) Basically, she is saying she does not believe pre-marital sex is sinful. Obviously, within this statement there is the implication that she has new light and that the rest of us Christians (who do not believe as she does) are still in ignorance to the great freedom we have when we are single to get our freak on under grace.

So, as most of us do, she is living out what she believes to be the truth. Trying to change her mind and convince her will be futile, because it is the Spirit that “changes” our minds.

Now, am I justifying her position? No, because I believe that she is being deceived and is wrong. I believe that premarital sex is sinful. I believe that sex was created for husband and wife…together…with each other. And I believe this because I believe the Bible teaches this. And that is why I was convicted when I engaged in premarital sex as a Christian…because I was going against what my conscience (i.e. my new conscience energized by the Holy Spirit) was saying. For the author, she said she struggled with guilt in the past but now is “sexin’…unapologetically”. Clearly, something changed for her. She either believed the truth of the Word in regard to sex and felt guilt because of the Spirit’s conviction (as I state was my experience) or she never believed that to be true in the first place and was just following some external rule because she heard others say she should. Whatever the case, where she stands now is that she does not believe she is in sin.

Does any of this mean she is not saved to begin with? I have no clue and would never make that judgment. Who am I? Can I read hearts and minds? No. And, if she is saved, will her current lifestyle make her lose her salvation? No. I do not believe it will because I believe the Bible teaches that our salvation is eternal…nothing can “pluck” us out of His hand.

Do I believe that she makes a good argument about the issues of sexuality not being discussed in the Church? Sure…perhaps it should be discussed more. As a woman who ministers to other women, I know that it certainly would be beneficial.

Can we identify with her struggles and thus make a connection with her. Most certainly. I’m definitely with that. We should not stand at a distance and shout the Word to her with the expectation that she will respond well to that tactic. However, as we attempt to BE the Word to her by speaking the truth in love, etc., we still need to SPEAK the Word regarding the issue. And in doing that we should trust that the God of the Word will accomplish what HE intends by the Word…because it IS living, it IS active, and it CAN generate a change of heart/mind.

And regardless of how much we identify with and support this woman in her struggle to be heard and understood (something every human desires), we still need to take a firm stance against those things that are against our Lord and the Gospel. We do have a charge to contend for our faith. The belief system she is promoting is destructive and poisonous to the Body of Christ. We are lukewarm enough as it is! If God desires holiness and purity for His Bride, why should not we, the Bride, do what we can do to contribute to that purification? And what is that contribution? Speaking the truth in love (the Word…even if it hurts), being the hands and feet of Jesus (still listening and loving this sister), and redirecting all of our attention back to the One who gives us all this grace we talk about…God.

Just my thoughts for now…thanks for reading! :-)